Up until a minute ago, I thought that every problem I faced in life, I faced with my parents. We were together against the problem. Today I had a different thought. Why haven't I ever expected God to test my strength; mine alone? I'm starting to realize that maybe there are issues that my parents will disagree with me upon. However, does that automatically make them correct? Why is it that I simply forfeit all my arguments for their sake? I think that if God has been testing me in this way all along, then I've been failing God in this way, all along.
My parents should be with me, on my side, in times like these when my life presents problems to me. Perhaps God is testing them as well, seeing if they will be able to let me make a decision that will impact my life without their approval, let alone their advice.
Phone, parents:
Wait, a change of heart (theirs, not mine)? Perhaps...
finance: 752-2390
crd: 752-3558
why Why WHY do they play with me like this? I'm not even sure what they just said. Okay, so first things first: financial aid. If I major in CRD now, it'll take three more years of school at the very least (no India this summer, not for three more years). I'll have to take all summer sessions, and as many classes per quarter as I can handle. But, if I really am passionate about CRD, I might enjoy three years of learning about it. But my parents still have to get my brother through school as well. If I can manage to get enough (by enough, I mean any) financial aid, I can do this. Three years of back-breaking, midnight oil-burning, parents constantly disapproving studying.
I'm ready.
Job-wise: I'll be a CRD major competing with civil engineers and people with masters' degrees. That will be so hard to get through if my parents don't stop harping about economics.
Economics: The catch-all major. It would only take two years and I could get a job at a bank, an investing firm, anything I want--except a planning company.
Why couldn't I have figured this all out before college? My life would have been immensely easier to manage. Oh, right: I was 17.
4.18.2006
4.15.2006
Riddle For You
I turn polar bears white and
will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee and
make girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and make normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop;
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
84% of Kindergartners got this, but 97% of Harvard grads did not! Don't ask me as I won't tell you. Please put your answers in the comments section.
Thanks
will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee and
make girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and make normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop;
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
84% of Kindergartners got this, but 97% of Harvard grads did not! Don't ask me as I won't tell you. Please put your answers in the comments section.
Thanks
4.14.2006
CRD
I never even thought of this before a few minutes ago. I could someday start my own regional development company.
It's what I want to do. It started with Oprah's trip to Africa, igniting in me a spark, flame, passion to build schools in India; then the ideas flooded my head, jobs, infrastructure, transportation... How can I put all these ideas for the development of a city into one dream??
I can't believe it's even possible. I can't believe there's a name, job, path that is exactly what I want to do. And because I knew I wanted to do this even before I knew anything about it, I know this is right for me. I know I can do this. That's such a good feeling; something I haven't felt in a long time, but I'm sooo grateful to God that I'm feeling this now.
There's a career fair next week that I'm going to. There will be a couple of urban planning companies there. I'm so excited to meet them. I want to know everything about them: how they started, who started the company, what they've done. I mean, to me, to be able to look at a particular side of town or even an entire city and say, "Yeah, I helped design that. I helped make that even possible." That, to me, is ectasy. I still can't even believe that it's possible. I'm so sure of this. I'm sure of myself, my abilities, my potential. Why have I put this off for so long? Is it because I was scared to leave science? Yes. I still am. But that is something I'm going to need help with, I'll admit. It's something I need to get over in order to fulfill my destiny. How corny. Well, it's true. CRD is my destiny, my dream, my passion. Ultimately, one day, I will have my own company for Community and Regional Development. And you will be proud of me.
South Asian magazines will interview me, I'll be a big shot in the field of CRD. People my age now will want to shadow me. I can't wait. I'm going to show them how excited I am. I'm going to show all of you how determined I am. I'm going to get a job in this field if I have to beg for it. And I'll get a job in one of the companies I talk to next week. That means I better quit the bank soon. See, I thought I should keep the bank job since I dropped chem and it'd be a lot easier to deal with, but I open with Jorge again tomorrow, so we'll see.
This career fair is going to be pretty darn awesome. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
It's what I want to do. It started with Oprah's trip to Africa, igniting in me a spark, flame, passion to build schools in India; then the ideas flooded my head, jobs, infrastructure, transportation... How can I put all these ideas for the development of a city into one dream??
I can't believe it's even possible. I can't believe there's a name, job, path that is exactly what I want to do. And because I knew I wanted to do this even before I knew anything about it, I know this is right for me. I know I can do this. That's such a good feeling; something I haven't felt in a long time, but I'm sooo grateful to God that I'm feeling this now.
There's a career fair next week that I'm going to. There will be a couple of urban planning companies there. I'm so excited to meet them. I want to know everything about them: how they started, who started the company, what they've done. I mean, to me, to be able to look at a particular side of town or even an entire city and say, "Yeah, I helped design that. I helped make that even possible." That, to me, is ectasy. I still can't even believe that it's possible. I'm so sure of this. I'm sure of myself, my abilities, my potential. Why have I put this off for so long? Is it because I was scared to leave science? Yes. I still am. But that is something I'm going to need help with, I'll admit. It's something I need to get over in order to fulfill my destiny. How corny. Well, it's true. CRD is my destiny, my dream, my passion. Ultimately, one day, I will have my own company for Community and Regional Development. And you will be proud of me.
South Asian magazines will interview me, I'll be a big shot in the field of CRD. People my age now will want to shadow me. I can't wait. I'm going to show them how excited I am. I'm going to show all of you how determined I am. I'm going to get a job in this field if I have to beg for it. And I'll get a job in one of the companies I talk to next week. That means I better quit the bank soon. See, I thought I should keep the bank job since I dropped chem and it'd be a lot easier to deal with, but I open with Jorge again tomorrow, so we'll see.
This career fair is going to be pretty darn awesome. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
4.11.2006
Overwhelmed
O-chem 118B:
Why am I giving up?
I'm not; I'm being smart. I know my limitations. My GPA is more important than which classes I take right now.
Why do I feel like this then?
I'm not over it. I feel like I'm giving up, disappointing my tutor, my mom, myself.
When will this feeling go away?
I don't know. Maybe at the end of the quarter when I get my grades; if they're good, I'll know I did the right thing.
Will I be able to handle this type of stress in med school?
If God wants me to, God will guide me through it.
Then what about that running thing? Hard at first (first 3 laps), but it gets easier(last 5 laps), isn't that what God told you?
Yes, I believe so. "Keep trying no matter how hard it seems; it will get easier." I keep thinking about that. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision. Maybe it's more than just not giving up. Maybe I have to actively make smart decisions in order to get through this initial tough part. I'm not sure, but my advisor and dad told me to definitely drop it, while mom and my tutor said to keep going. I need God to tell me just a little bit more; I'd like to be just a little bit more sure of this. But I guess that's the whole point of religion: faith.
I just had a thought: It could be that I'm not even supposed to be in science and that's why I'm having these hard times.
One thing I wonder about is why my mom keeps bringing up Community and Regional Development. I don't even feel anything toward CRD anymore (except when I read Jawarharlal Nehru's letters to his daughter). My mom apologized for talking me into going back into science. She doesn't think I can handle science. When I'm in science, she doesn't think I can handle it, but when I leave science, she convinces me to go back. That irritates me. I need to talk to her about that. But all she wants to do is to help me; she just doesn't know what to say, I guess. I should stop taking her advice I think and just start talking to my dad. He always gives very sound advice, he always knows what he's talking about.
Dad's going to have surgery tomorrow. I'm starting to get scared about that. I wonder if he's scared...
I just got off the phone with my o-chem tutor; I told her that I'm dropping. I still have no idea how she feels about it, other than the fact that she won't be getting $20/hour from me. But seriously, I think she supports me.
...Now I'm worrying about my dad. he'll be fine, c'mon how can I believe that?
Why am I not studying right now??
I'm going to pray some.
Why am I giving up?
I'm not; I'm being smart. I know my limitations. My GPA is more important than which classes I take right now.
Why do I feel like this then?
I'm not over it. I feel like I'm giving up, disappointing my tutor, my mom, myself.
When will this feeling go away?
I don't know. Maybe at the end of the quarter when I get my grades; if they're good, I'll know I did the right thing.
Will I be able to handle this type of stress in med school?
If God wants me to, God will guide me through it.
Then what about that running thing? Hard at first (first 3 laps), but it gets easier(last 5 laps), isn't that what God told you?
Yes, I believe so. "Keep trying no matter how hard it seems; it will get easier." I keep thinking about that. I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision. Maybe it's more than just not giving up. Maybe I have to actively make smart decisions in order to get through this initial tough part. I'm not sure, but my advisor and dad told me to definitely drop it, while mom and my tutor said to keep going. I need God to tell me just a little bit more; I'd like to be just a little bit more sure of this. But I guess that's the whole point of religion: faith.
I just had a thought: It could be that I'm not even supposed to be in science and that's why I'm having these hard times.
One thing I wonder about is why my mom keeps bringing up Community and Regional Development. I don't even feel anything toward CRD anymore (except when I read Jawarharlal Nehru's letters to his daughter). My mom apologized for talking me into going back into science. She doesn't think I can handle science. When I'm in science, she doesn't think I can handle it, but when I leave science, she convinces me to go back. That irritates me. I need to talk to her about that. But all she wants to do is to help me; she just doesn't know what to say, I guess. I should stop taking her advice I think and just start talking to my dad. He always gives very sound advice, he always knows what he's talking about.
Dad's going to have surgery tomorrow. I'm starting to get scared about that. I wonder if he's scared...
I just got off the phone with my o-chem tutor; I told her that I'm dropping. I still have no idea how she feels about it, other than the fact that she won't be getting $20/hour from me. But seriously, I think she supports me.
...Now I'm worrying about my dad. he'll be fine, c'mon how can I believe that?
Why am I not studying right now??
I'm going to pray some.
4.08.2006
Nice to Meet You Anyway
I'm quitting my job at the bank this week. I have to, it's just too much drama keeping me up at night wondering if I should be fired, how I'm going to meet my sales goal, the stupid things Jorge says to me. It's ridiculous. I should back up a bit.
Okay, so I work at a bank. Last quarter was a really rough quarter for me academically, and I decided to just take most of the quarter off of work to focus as much as possible on school. So, naturally, the bank took my keys from me (no point in me having them as I wasn't going to work; also for security reasons). But this quarter, I wanted to work just one day a week so I could make some money and still study my ass off. But they didn't give my my keys back! So, with no keys I have no access to cash (to give cash back to any customers). But that's not all: I'm not even logged onto the system, so I can't even do transactions that involve no cash (check deposits, etc.)!!! So, what else does a teller do if she can't...tell (I have no idea if that's the correct term for what I do). I literally just walk around and try to talk to uninterested customers about our free checking accounts. And my luck, though it never was all that great, has become worse. Today for example, I'm out there for six hours (do you know what it's like to stand in heels for six hours??) taking complete shit from really rude people, and I get ONE referral (from a person who is already an account-holder, I found out later). Courtney, on the other hand, the most annoying pagal girl ever, stands out there (by out there, I mean in the aisles of the grocery store that the bank is in) for about 10 minutes, comes back and says,"Somebody wants to come in and open a CD in a few minutes, and I think somebody else wants to open a checking account tomorrow."
My blood boiled.
Shannon (my supervisor today) just looked at me with this look that said one of two things:
1) Dood that sucks for you, I'm sorry. But what happened? You used to be so good at talking to people and convincing them to come talk to me...or,
2) Why are you still employed here? You're existence is completely pointless.
And Shannon's the one I like.
Then, last week, Jorge (one of my two bosses) opened the branch with me. He wouldn't stop taunting me and just pointing out the most menial little things about my situation. He has this weird habit of asking me (only me) the most random questions (Do you believe in the Holy Trinity? What does it mean to you?) and making you feel like the stupidest person on the face of the earth (I'm just realizing that I'm quite mad right now and some of the things I say might have a tinge of incompetence attached to them; you can decide for yourself which things those are). The one thing that makes me mad about Jorge (not in the Paul Reiser/Helen Hunt way) is when he questions and insults my intelligence and integrity. Oh, don't worry, I'll give you examples of both.
Intelligence
So, everybody that goes to Davis knows that you're supposed to study 3 hours per unit that you're taking. So, if you have a 3 unit class, you should study 9 hours/ week for that class. Well, I'm taking 15 units right now, a normal load for the quarter system, which translates into a full time job, except studying. So I mention this system to Jorge how I'm supposed to study about 10 hrs/day outside of class to do well. And this is what he says: "Are you really failing that bad that you need to study 10 hours a day?"
Now for those of you that know me, you know that I tolerate quite a bit from people(ahem assholes, ahem) like him. The one thing that I will not tolerate is a questioning or insult of my intelligence. Of course, as I was about to rebuke, he turned away, I had customers, phone calls, coworker chat for the rest of the day, and he went into the office and worked there for the rest of the day. By the way, Jorge never went to college.
Integrity
Now I know he was just joking (Pardon me while I eat a banana. Okay, done. Thanks for waiting.) the first time. I let it go the first time. The second time, I didn't laugh, but smiled back. I can tolerate things like this, remember? But as I was leaving for the day ( at 2:15 pm) I said goodbye to Jorge, having forgotten about the earlier events. He then took my hand, and said, very sweetly, and very sarcastically, " I'd like to thank you for your hard work and your contribution to the success of this branch." I wanted so badly to just slap the 10 pores off his face. But it was time for me to go home, and nothing would keep me there a minute longer. So I just smiled back, again, said goodbye, again, and left, taking deep breaths the whole way to the car. In the car, I broke down. I didn't cry, but I did everything else. Beating the steering wheel, the ceiling, pulling my seatbelt down so fast I still have a slight burn on my neck. I had major road rage on the way home; I felt like I was from New Jersey. I've been thinking about the way he treated me all week, and have come to this abrupt conclusion:
I gotta get outta there.
Okay, so I work at a bank. Last quarter was a really rough quarter for me academically, and I decided to just take most of the quarter off of work to focus as much as possible on school. So, naturally, the bank took my keys from me (no point in me having them as I wasn't going to work; also for security reasons). But this quarter, I wanted to work just one day a week so I could make some money and still study my ass off. But they didn't give my my keys back! So, with no keys I have no access to cash (to give cash back to any customers). But that's not all: I'm not even logged onto the system, so I can't even do transactions that involve no cash (check deposits, etc.)!!! So, what else does a teller do if she can't...tell (I have no idea if that's the correct term for what I do). I literally just walk around and try to talk to uninterested customers about our free checking accounts. And my luck, though it never was all that great, has become worse. Today for example, I'm out there for six hours (do you know what it's like to stand in heels for six hours??) taking complete shit from really rude people, and I get ONE referral (from a person who is already an account-holder, I found out later). Courtney, on the other hand, the most annoying pagal girl ever, stands out there (by out there, I mean in the aisles of the grocery store that the bank is in) for about 10 minutes, comes back and says,"Somebody wants to come in and open a CD in a few minutes, and I think somebody else wants to open a checking account tomorrow."
My blood boiled.
Shannon (my supervisor today) just looked at me with this look that said one of two things:
1) Dood that sucks for you, I'm sorry. But what happened? You used to be so good at talking to people and convincing them to come talk to me...or,
2) Why are you still employed here? You're existence is completely pointless.
And Shannon's the one I like.
Then, last week, Jorge (one of my two bosses) opened the branch with me. He wouldn't stop taunting me and just pointing out the most menial little things about my situation. He has this weird habit of asking me (only me) the most random questions (Do you believe in the Holy Trinity? What does it mean to you?) and making you feel like the stupidest person on the face of the earth (I'm just realizing that I'm quite mad right now and some of the things I say might have a tinge of incompetence attached to them; you can decide for yourself which things those are). The one thing that makes me mad about Jorge (not in the Paul Reiser/Helen Hunt way) is when he questions and insults my intelligence and integrity. Oh, don't worry, I'll give you examples of both.
Intelligence
So, everybody that goes to Davis knows that you're supposed to study 3 hours per unit that you're taking. So, if you have a 3 unit class, you should study 9 hours/ week for that class. Well, I'm taking 15 units right now, a normal load for the quarter system, which translates into a full time job, except studying. So I mention this system to Jorge how I'm supposed to study about 10 hrs/day outside of class to do well. And this is what he says: "Are you really failing that bad that you need to study 10 hours a day?"
Now for those of you that know me, you know that I tolerate quite a bit from people(ahem assholes, ahem) like him. The one thing that I will not tolerate is a questioning or insult of my intelligence. Of course, as I was about to rebuke, he turned away, I had customers, phone calls, coworker chat for the rest of the day, and he went into the office and worked there for the rest of the day. By the way, Jorge never went to college.
Integrity
Now I know he was just joking (Pardon me while I eat a banana. Okay, done. Thanks for waiting.) the first time. I let it go the first time. The second time, I didn't laugh, but smiled back. I can tolerate things like this, remember? But as I was leaving for the day ( at 2:15 pm) I said goodbye to Jorge, having forgotten about the earlier events. He then took my hand, and said, very sweetly, and very sarcastically, " I'd like to thank you for your hard work and your contribution to the success of this branch." I wanted so badly to just slap the 10 pores off his face. But it was time for me to go home, and nothing would keep me there a minute longer. So I just smiled back, again, said goodbye, again, and left, taking deep breaths the whole way to the car. In the car, I broke down. I didn't cry, but I did everything else. Beating the steering wheel, the ceiling, pulling my seatbelt down so fast I still have a slight burn on my neck. I had major road rage on the way home; I felt like I was from New Jersey. I've been thinking about the way he treated me all week, and have come to this abrupt conclusion:
I gotta get outta there.
4.02.2006
"Day" Dream
I don't know what it was. I couldn't bring myself to lie down last night. At first I was excited, happy, optimistic and then...well then I was their antithesis. I did, fortunately find a new and very interesting blog to read. For those of you who are interested, it's called New York Hack and it's posted on this website. I read that blog for quite some time.
So I must have started sleeping at about 5:45 a.m. or so, because I noticed through my window coverings the sort of light that reminds you of dawn, hope and beginnings. I guess knowing the hour helped too.
I woke up at what was technically 8:00 in the morning (which felt like 7a.m., Daylight Savings Time was definitely not publicized enough this time around).
Yes, I woke up, but I still felt him so strongly, surely, happily. I felt his papery dry, slightly gnarled, but experienced fingers wrap easily around my small hand. It was as if our hands were chiral objects, nonsuperimposable, identical. Despite the noisy cab (too much New York Hack) we were in, I could hear our dry hands whisper together as they struggled to fit each other in the way that all hands can--all hands, that is, except our own. All his wisdom and love simply flowed (there is no other word of which I can think to describe the phenomenon) from his left hand to my right. I didn't want to let go to offer my other hand because I knew that letting go would end our time and I'd wake up. I didn't want to let go, I wanted to talk with him, make him laugh, laugh with him, hug him, anything. Anything but wake up.
I miss my grandpa so much.
So I must have started sleeping at about 5:45 a.m. or so, because I noticed through my window coverings the sort of light that reminds you of dawn, hope and beginnings. I guess knowing the hour helped too.
I woke up at what was technically 8:00 in the morning (which felt like 7a.m., Daylight Savings Time was definitely not publicized enough this time around).
Yes, I woke up, but I still felt him so strongly, surely, happily. I felt his papery dry, slightly gnarled, but experienced fingers wrap easily around my small hand. It was as if our hands were chiral objects, nonsuperimposable, identical. Despite the noisy cab (too much New York Hack) we were in, I could hear our dry hands whisper together as they struggled to fit each other in the way that all hands can--all hands, that is, except our own. All his wisdom and love simply flowed (there is no other word of which I can think to describe the phenomenon) from his left hand to my right. I didn't want to let go to offer my other hand because I knew that letting go would end our time and I'd wake up. I didn't want to let go, I wanted to talk with him, make him laugh, laugh with him, hug him, anything. Anything but wake up.
I miss my grandpa so much.
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