Dumb Submission

It was a dumb submission, a question answered truthfully. I really thought god wanted me to put myself out there because I would get what I wanted; not in this case. It's funny because I've known the answer for so long, but I still thought, "Maybe." Oh, well. Now I know for sure. On to someone else, I suppose.

I'm starting to think that I'm crazy for sensing divine intervention in a few recent coincidences.

Keep My Feet on the Ground and My Head in the Clouds

So, today was the first day of spring quarter instruction. It was weird how alone I felt despite remembering most of my classmates from previous classes. I already feel like I'm falling behind. I'm worried about distractions. I think I feel this way every time I start a new quarter, but this time I'm articulating it. I have to find a way to get out of my head.

Everyone Has a Tell

I hate hospitals in general. I don't know who I was kidding being an NPB major for two years, I empathize far too much with everyone. But today I experienced something I'd never felt before. I could feel my entire body getting weaker, the blood draining from my face as my uncle let out little moans of pain while sitting in the chair next to his hospital bed. He was holding a small, heart-shaped pillow to his chest to help him burp so that the air pressure didn't build up in his lungs and hurt him more. I guess he exerted himself too much because as soon as he released the pillow a little bit, he winced in pain; it was just for a second, but it was enough to scare me. I'd never seen him in pain like that, never. He went on wincing and lightly moaning for about 2o seconds and I couldn't stand anymore. Luckily we had to go out to the waiting room while they helped him move into a more comfortable chair. I didn't say anything to my parents until we left my extended family's company. I know my uncle will be okay, but it's scary to see someone you love so much in such a vulnerable state. Maybe it had something to do with being tired, I don't know.
I can't wait until he's himself again.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Jeez, I almost forgot about this!

I'm starting to equate living at home with living alone. Especially for someone in my position, who just has to be so fucking different from every other stupid bitch I know, talking to my family is like talking walls of different heights and widths: it doesn't matter what the wall looks like, it's still not listening to you. I've never fully grasped the meaning of the phrase "you don't listen" until recently when I thought about how my family responds to the feelings and ideas I try to convey to them. My parents usually play the disrespect card to get me to give in to them, and it usually works when it gets to that point. I'm not sure why. I'll have to think about that incessantly and get back to you with a conclusion in six months to a year.
Ehhh...I'm done with this one.

I Need You, They Need You

Everybody,

World AIDS Day just passed. I can't stress enough, I can't describe in words how much people in the world need YOU right now, this very second.
Today, 5,500 people--men, women, people just like us--will die because they couldn't get two little pills.
Two little pills that can keep them alive. Can you imagine not being able to do it yourself? To keep yourself alive? Can you imagine having to depend on something so tiny as a pill to keep you alive because your own body is giving up?
There are people in this world, this world that we are a part of, that need those pills to stay alive. But they can't do it on their own. They need us. They need you. I'll help too. And you and me, and my friends and your friends if you decide to talk about this, we can get somebody, any random person, we can get them those pills. We can keep somebody alive. And if there's one person who happens to be special, who happens to have a sense of purpose, and we kept them alive, that person can contribute something to their community, to their country, to our world. And their contribution to society will make our lives better.
It's not hard at all to help. Everybody is going to be shopping for gifts this month. (RED) products are not more expensive than regular products. So if you want to help, here's my suggestion as to what to do:
1. Go to www.joinred.com and learn about the idea behind (RED). Find out which companies are (RED).
2. When you go holiday shopping, make an effort to buy (RED) products rather than the regular products. A portion of the sale from every (RED) product goes to buying pills for people in Africa who have AIDS.
3. Tell your friends to do the same.
If you're still reading this, thank you so much. Thank you for your attention, because that tells me that you care, possibly as much as I do. We can do this if we work as a team. We can keep some really amazing people alive long enough for them to fulfill their purpose in life.
Thanks again,

Sonia

Strength and Purpose

Pleasures conceived in the world of the senses have a beginning and an end and give birth to misery...The wise do not look for happiness in them. But those who overcome the impulses of lust and anger that arise in the body are made whole and live in joy. They find their joy, their rest, and their light completely within themselves. United with the Lord, they attain nirvana in Brahman.
-Bhagavad Gita 5:22-24

I've been studying the Gita lately, and I've come across passages that I agree with and some that I either don't understand or disagree with. This one though, summarizes everything I know and feel and want others to know about Hinduism until now. It's so hard to overcome physical pleasure, but when I see how it is even harder for other people, I thank God that I have the strength to overcome at least some of life's many obstacles. I am one lucky girl.
God wants us to work ceaselessly for the benefit of the world without expectation of reward. How to deal with the derivatives associated with this...
What with the expectations of my family and the materialism that surrounds me. I could do it easily, if only no one were watching. That's where the obstacle is overcome. If you can work for the benefit of others ceaselessly in front of everyone, you have strength--immeasurable strength.
Someday...

Mad ramblings?

When did things start to get so bad in this world? The rampant, ceaseless, abhorrent exclusion that is everywhere (i.e. homosexuals, different races, certain castes, etc.") is making me weary and pessimistic of the life my kids will have. We're so caught up in what others will think that we stop ourselves from being human. We stop ourselves from doing things we naturally enjoy doing, simply because we're worried about our reputation. And our reputations turn into our legacies, what we leave behind; how people, fleeting in existence themselves, will remember our short time here. It's so sick. I feel so sick. Things like this have always existed. Social status, class, background, lifestyle; it's all so important to everybody and simultaneously so irrelevant. So why does it matter SO much to me??????

As children, we were told that if all the people in the world looked exactly the same, life would be boring.
I disagree.
I think that if all the people in the world looked exactly the same, we would all have a chance at being treated with respect and equality. We'd all belong. We'd all have the chance to be human. The point people miss is that, just because we'd all look exactly the same doesn't mean we'd all have the same personalities. We'd have different goals, different views. But that brings me back to the beginning. Different goals, different views would require exclusion. As Zygmunt Bauman said, "The emancipation of some calls for the suppression of others." I feel so sick.

No, that can't be right. I believe that human beings have the potential to be peaceful. People can and will someday learn to coexist peacefully, cooperatively.
It is in the genetic makeup of some to be competitive. Competition makes us lie, cheat, steal, and harm others to get what we want--to achieve our own goals without regard for the goals or wellbeing of others. Competition must be eliminated. Is that heaven? The absence of competition? Hunger? Jealousy? That's what Matisyahu says. What does Hinduism say? The real Hinduism? Not the Gita, not the Mahabharata. The Vedas. I need the Vedas.I need the truth.
Every night I hear people going through the garbage under my window.

Enough of my ramblings